16 Sex Tips to Avoid at All Costs
Everyone has an opinion on how to have better sex. Whether it’s a friend, columnist, or television personality, advice is cheap — while real shortcuts to great sex are rare. That’s why so many of the so-called tips and tricks are cringe-worthy and may even be harmful to your sex life. Here, from some of our favorite sex experts, is the most wrong-headed advice they’ve ever come across. Skip these and stick to the basics.Yoga Universe – Flexibility in Space (32:55) Related: 10 Things Every Woman Wishes You Did During Sex
Make it all about the orgasm.
This sounds considerate but may be the most problematic of all sex information. “Orgasm should not be the goal of sex,” says Eric Marlowe Garrison, clinical therapist and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex. If you make orgasm the only positive outcome, that pressure can get in the way of orgasm and any other enjoyment. While it may be easier to think of sex as the path to orgasm, it’s better to concentrate on what gives you and your partner pleasure. Yes, orgasm is probably one of those things but there are many, many others ways to feel sexually gratified. “Rather than sex being goal- or performance-centered, focus on the pleasure, journey, vulnerability, intimacy as well as sexual generosity,” says Reece Malone, sexologist and sex therapist.
Use your teeth.
Part of the reason genitals create such special sensations is because they are highly sensitive. This means that actions that don’t seem all that forceful elsewhere, like nibbling, can feel much rougher down there. “When it comes to teeth on genitals, simply don’t do it without asking permission [and] whether they’re into it,” says Malone. Encourage your partner to give some feedback about the pressure they like; consider negotiating tapping or squeezing hand signals in advance.
Pull her hair.
Many people enjoy sex that’s a little rough, including some hair pulling. Charging right into this, however, can be a big mistake. “Many sexual experiences (and relationships!) have come to a screeching halt because a guy ended up with a woman’s weave or a clump of extensions in his hand,” says sex researcher and licensed therapist Christine Milrod. You can discuss hair-pulling before you go too far, or you can just be cautious along the way. If you try a little tug and she pulls away, back off for now and shelve the topic for later.
Motorboating
Most men love breasts and they may think that motorboating is an exciting, enthusiastic way to show their appreciation. Women tend to disagree. “It is mostly painful, the sound is distracting, and it activates pain neurons instead of pleasure centers in a woman’s brain,” says Milrod. If you just can’t resist, at least ask your partner how she feels about this one before you dive in.
Try deep throating.
Deep-throating can be very sexy for both the giver and the receiver, but it is not something to force. “Some people have a talent for deep-throating, but it’s with the understanding and consent that they are going to, or want to deep-throat,” says Malone. “Beware that not everyone who has the desire to deep-throat can actually do it.” Forcing this, even in someone who has done it on other occasions, can result in choking, gagging, and even vomiting. It can also bring up issues of consent.
Mix food and sex.
Some people have fun using food in the bedroom, but it can easily go the way of George Costanza and his pastrami sandwich. “In reality, bringing food into the bedroom is usually more hassle and mess than fun,” says sex therapistVanessa Marin. Mixing these two can also lead to health problems, especially if you try to insert food into a woman’s body. “The vagina has a pH level around 3.8 to 4.5. Disrupting the balance can impact the level of healthy bacteria that keeps other organisms at bay,” says Malone. If you really want to have sexy fun with food, instead of putting a donut around your penis (this is a real one), start your next intimate encounter with some chocolate-covered strawberries — and leave them behind once you start getting busy. Flavored lubes are another option.
Go on a quest for the G-Spot.
The G-spot is another mysterious area on women. It’s great if you are eager to try and figure out whether stimulating there feels good for your lady but practice some caution. “Someone told you to make that ‘come here’ motion with your one crooked finger, and you went looking for the G-spot with half your hand,” says Milrod, but too much finger action too soon can be painful. Just as with the clitoris, start your study of the G-spot carefully and don’t forget to include her in the exploration.
Walk through the Kama Sutra.
The Kama Sutra is often referred to as the Bible of sex. There are complex, mind-bending positions in there that can offer couples the experience of new and fantastic sensations. It may be worth a try but it’s not for everyone. “Some of these positions require a bit of agility, flexibility, core strength, and a whole lot of finesse to keep things hot and sexy,” says Malone. If you want to try the “backwards slide” someday, start slow first.
Go 50 Shades.
The Fifty Shades of Grey series helped make kink and BDSM mainstream topics. More people than ever are interested and exploring these worlds but there is a right way and a wrong way to try these out. “While role-playing, using light restraints, and a bit of spanking can up the ante and ward off the bedroom la dee da’s, making BDSM best guesses’ [about] bondage, percussion play, and other edgy kinky-play is an absolute no-no,” says Malone. He recommends getting educated first through books like The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edgeby Tristan Taromino or SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman or by taking a tour through your local dungeon.
Try “something new.”
Anal sex is pleasurable for many people, but it does require some extra effort and consideration. Not being aware of this can lead to all kinds of problems. “Sometimes the desire to ‘try something new’ is overpowering,” says Milrod. “In this case, engaging in insertive anal sex without having gone through some necessary preparations.” First of all, your partner may not welcome this experimentation, and that can end things immediately. Even if you’re both willing, be prepared. Know that anal sex requires lube and some stretching.
Act like a vacuum.
Over-stimulating the clitoris can be just as bad as ignoring it completely. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so sucking on it vigorously is generally not the key. “Don’t believe the oafs claiming that it brings women to ecstasy,” says Milrod, “it usually has them sprinting out of bed and screaming for dear life.” Build intensity, pay attention to other areas of her vulva, and elicit feedback for better results.
Beg for oral sex.
It can be sexy to exert some control in your sexual activities, but don’t take it too far. Porn may have taught you that it’s standard to direct a woman’s head during oral, but that is almost always uncomfortable and demeaning. It may not be your ideal, but even without your direction, oral sex is likely to still feel darn good. “Take your hands off her head, stop pushing, and enjoy the gentleness of a slow and sexy blow job,” says Milrod.
Play with pepper.
This is the worst sex tip Marin has ever seen. It came from a certain magazine, known for its unusual sex suggestions. “They seriously recommended sprinkling pepper under a guy’s nose before his orgasm, with the thought that sneezing would intensify the orgasm!” says Marin. “I laughed so hard imagining someone keeping a little shaker of pepper by the bed and trying to get it right under the guy’s nose at the exact right moment.” This is flat-out the wrong way to spice up your relationship.
Skip the evening sex.
We aren’t knocking morning sex. If people are more in the mood in the morning than they are at night, then go for it. But just changing when you have sex isn’t the way to fixing a cramped love life. “Sex in the morning can be just as bad as sex at night, if you both aren’t well rested, well fortified, and stress free,” says Garrison. If you are too stressed out by work to get intimate at night, you might need to focus more on de-stressing than temporary fixes.
Make them jealous.
Getting the attention of someone you like by making out with someone else might work to some degree, but probably not the way you want. “Sure, they may notice you, but it may be in a douche-y kind of way,” says Malone. Instead of going the “look at me” route, he recommends being much more straightforward. Strike up a conversation about common interests or include mutual friends in your interaction. “Confidence is sexy. Jealousy games are not,” he says.
Give her an orgasm.
It’s a useful description but inaccurate to say a man gives a woman an orgasm. “Orgasm is something the body naturally expresses under optimal circumstances for that given woman,” says Cay L. Crow, a Texas-based certified sex therapist. “She holds the map to her arousal and needs to tell her partner what works for her.” Men who want to make sure their partner is satisfied are being good partners, but sexual satisfaction is a shared responsibility and, often, each person knows best what they like. Partners have to communicate and work together to both get what they want out of the experience.